“Will you come with me to anywhere in this World?” Raju asked me through an SMS. “I will come with you, only if my mother agrees,” I said.
That’s how he proposed me.
I used to ask him to propose me directly. I am just fascinated to hear from him those three words ‘I Love You’. I used to ask him every now and then to utter those wonderful words.
“I have two days holidays and I want to come to Tirupathi,” I said.
“I want to go to my home once, I will go early so that by the time your holidays come, I will be with you in tirupathi,” he said.
“No, no let me go alone or with jagadish, let you not come. What if someone who sees will think about me?” I said.
“What will someone think if you are with jagadish?” he asked.
“Right! So what should I do now?” I asked.
“Better keep a tag into his neck stating he is your brother,” he said jokily and we broke into laughter.
We used to speak hours and hours and finally when it is twelve or so we used to sleep bidding good night.
I am jealous about him. I want him completely. I want him to be mine. I want him to be my side. I want only him to touch me. I want only him to share my tears. I want only him to get beaten by me.
Days passed.
We were out of the college for project. He used to be in Hyderabad and I used to be at home. There can never be a second if my thoughts moved elsewhere than him. I always used to think what he would be doing at this point of time. I always wanted him to talk to me.
I am over possessive, right? May be this is not love. This should be something else, what is it?
I used to call him over phone. “I am busy right now, I will call you later,” he used to reply.
I used to wait for hours together and used to call him again. “Oh! I forgot, so what else?” he used to say.
My heart would be broken by that time and I normally would break into tears.
Is this not love? I wonder, what else should it be?
I should have got something else to be busy with so that my mind would have been somewhere else. But, it’s like a bubble gum which got struck with him. Whatever might I show it, it would only linger around him, it’s crazy, stupid. But I could not help it revert.
It is not love..
I got project work in Hyderabad and he got in lucknow. During those days in Hyderabad, he is in search of the same and is in frustration.
Had I not understood his mood? Might be…
By what time, I got lost my heart in tears and by the same time he again approached me. I did show a little less care than I usually used to.
If I am in love, this kind of a thing should not happen, right? So, did I not love him..
Now,
I am still in need of him where he is alright with his own friends. He is happy with his life. He is happy even if I don’t call him or message him for months. He is accepting my departure bluntly. He is practical. He is ready to see me with someone else. He is practical.
I still cry for what has happened in my life. I still want him to be mine. I still await his call and message. I still want only him to touch me.
But, this is not love, right?
Every love story says, “What you think in your heart, your lover listens”. I did never know what he might be thinking about me. I even do not know if he really thinks about me.
Mine is not love, and then what is it?
Why the hell I am still thinking of him every time? Why I want him to call me and message me? What I want to see him? Why tears are flowing while I write this story? Why does not god take me to him? Why should I share my life with someone else? Why should not I die?
But, I did not love him. If it is so, he would not have left me this way.
What did I do all these years then? What am I doing now?